第3部分(第4/8 頁)

and　letting　myself　die。

What　a　consternation　of　soul　was　mine　that　dreary　afternoon！　How　all　my　brain　was　in　tumult；　and　all　my　heart　in　insurrection！　Yet　in　what　darkness；　what　dense　ignorance；　was　the　mental　battle　fought！　I　could　not　answer　the　ceaseless　inward　question—why　I　thus　suffered；　now；　at　the　distance　of—I　will　not　say　how　many　years；　I　see　it　clearly。

I　was　a　discord　in　Gateshead　Hall：　I　was　like　nobody　there；　I　had　nothing　in　harmony　with　Mrs。　Reed　or　her　children；　or　her　chosen　vassalage。　If　they　did　not　love　me；　in　fact；　as　little　did　I　love　them。　They　were　not　bound　to　regard　with　affection　a　thing　that　could　not　sympathise　with　one　amongst　them；　a　heterogeneous　thing；　opposed　to　them　in　temperament；　in　capacity；　in　propensities；　a　useless　thing；　incapable　of　serving　their　interest；　or　adding　to　their　pleasure；　a　noxious　thing；　cherishing　the　germs　of　indignation　at　their　treatment；　of　contempt　of　their　judgment。　I　know　that　had　I　been　a　sanguine；　brilliant；　careless；　exacting；　handsome；　romping　child—though　equally　dependent　and　friendless—Mrs。　Reed　would　have　endured　my　presence　more　placently；　her　children　would　have　entertained　for　me　more　of　the　cordiality　of　fellow…feeling；　the　servants　would　have　been　less　prone　to　make　me　the　scapegoat　of　the　nursery。

Daylight　began　to　forsake　the　red…room；　it　was　past　four　o’clock；　and　the　beclouded　afternoon　was　tending　to　drear　twilight。　I　heard　the　rain　still　beating　continuously　on　the　stair